*Disclaimer: This post is long and full of details. 🙂 Grab a cup of coffee and walk with us through a week of watching the glory of our magnificent God on display in our midst. *
In the last month or two, the song Oceans by Hillsong, has come to mean a great deal to Chris and I.
“Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior”
As we prepared for the trip we’ve dreamt of for years, and yearned to know where in the wide world God may ask us to invest our lives, these lyrics seemed especially poignant.
We trusted and waited for His timing that would orchestrate work and ministry calendars to make it possible for us to go. We narrowed our options down to two teams and ministries that we feel are potential options for who God has made us to be. And we then waited and trusted that God would provide the finances to make our trip possible.
In each step Gods grace and provision was tangible. And as we prepared for our two weeks of travel and exploring options, we felt the Lord continually nudging us just a bit further out “upon the waters.”
Our first week in Indonesia was great. We enjoyed getting to know the team, ministry, location, and ourselves in that context. God stretched us beyond our comfort zones as He demanded that we work out of His strength and with the power of His spirit.
We then transitioned to Thailand and yet another amazing team who welcomed us with open arms and shared of their lives and ministry with us. While the location is familiar to us both, we have loved the adventure of getting to know a new ministry and praying about where we might fit.
A couple days before our scheduled departure (to get back to family in the States for the Christmas holiday week,) our adventure took a decidedly different turn then any of us had expected. I woke up Tuesday morning, and quickly realized that my water had broken. At this point I was 16 weeks pregnant, and we had decided to wait on big announcements till we were back from our trip. We didn’t want anyone to worry! haha 😉
SO, here we were in a friends home in Thailand, Lincoln crying for his breakfast, and Chris and I looking at each other wondering where to start. I laid down as quickly as possible, Chris calmed Lincoln, and then we prayed. In that moment we knew in the deepest parts of our hearts, where the fears and anxiety were exploding, that we truly only had one place to turn. And in those moments I knew that God was demanding my faith, all of it, in His sovereign and perfect plan for us and our little one.
Within 20 minutes, Jenni (on the team here who just “happens” to be an experienced midwife) was in our room, had a Doppler to check baby’s heartbeat, and a pressure cuff for my blood pressure. Baby’s heartbeat was still strong, so we started working off an idea that maybe there had been a fraternal twin sack which had ruptured. Within an hour, however, I was bleeding quite a bit as well. We decided that it was best for me to spend several hours on my back before trying to get to a hospital, especially since the only thing that they could do would be an ultrasound to give us more information.
Every hour Jenni checked the heartbeat and we would wait with baited breath to hear the rapid flutter. At one point we lost the heartbeat, but a check 30 min. later revealed it was still beating consistently. All the while I was leaking fluid and blood, drinking as much as I could to replenish what my body was expelling.
As I laid in the bed wrestling with God, myself, and life, I felt absolutely and utterly helpless. This little life in me, dependent on their mother for everything, was for all intensive purposes doing just fine! It was me, Mom, entrusted caregiver, who’s body was making their environment inhospitable. And there was literally nothing I could do about it. I had absolutely no control over any aspect of the situation, and so I poured out my heart to a gracious loving Father who always has control. And, a gracious loving Father to this little one too. While his/her mother and father have no control, God was still in the drivers seat for this little life as well.
The afternoon came and we continued to monitor Baby’s heartbeat, and…. as consistently as we’d been able to find it all morning, we couldn’t find it anymore. One hour, two hours, three hours… nothing. One last check about four hours later (and numerous tears) and we all realized what no one had wanted to voice. Chris hugged me and said, “Our baby is with Jesus.” and then we wept. Chris pulled up “our song” on his phone and the lyrics filled the room.
“You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand
And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You’ve never failed and You won’t start now”
While my heart knew that this is where it should be, I rebelled. I didn’t want to commit to my faith standing. I didn’t want to tell Him that my soul would rest in His embrace. In that moment I felt utterly surrounded by fear, and I wasn’t at all sure that He hadn’t failed me. I was hurt and frustrated and, to be bluntly honest, not at all full of faith.
None of those feelings surprised God, and as the afternoon continued my heart, by God’s grace, softened some to His prodding. I cleaned myself up and Chris and I headed out for a walk, stopping for ice cream on the way of course. We walked, prayed, cried, struggled, and re-imagined our future while we waited for the contractions to start. Then we lost ourselves in a TV show that makes us laugh, and prepared for the pain the night was sure to hold.
Jenni, who had been graciously and lovingly by our side all day, started to prepare an herbal tea to help with the labor process. It was nearing dinner time at this point, and I was dreading a long and exhausting night after the day we’d had. As she started to heat the tea and herbs in the kitchen, we heard a shockingly loud explosion and ran to the kitchen to find that the glass dish on the stove had literally exploded. Once we cleaned up the mess, Jenni suggested we check for a heartbeat one last time before I took any herbs. I hadn’t been bleeding for a couple of hours, and still no contractions were starting so we all felt a bit confused.
As we looked and looked for the heartbeat, I just wanted it to all be over. My hope was gone and my faith felt bruised.
And then, suddenly, we heard a rapid flutter.
It took a few more times to get a steady reading (this baby likes to move and swim away quickly) but we heard it! Their little heart was still beating! The future still looked very bleak, but our child was still with us.
At this point we decided that we’d head to the hospital as soon as rush hour traffic abated. There we could get an ultrasound and hopefully get a better idea of what was going on inside. The ultrasound showed several different things. First, my fluid levels were within the range of normal, so no one would believe that my water had broken in the morning. Secondly, the uterine sac had a fair amount of “hematoma” (blood) floating around. And third, I was diagnosed with placental abruption due to a large blood clot which had formed between the placenta and the uterine wall. The clot was literally prying the placenta off the wall of the uterus. It had not yet interfered with the main blood lines, but there was no way to know what could happen next.
Under the advice of the doctor, and Jenni, we decided that I would spend the night in the hospital for 24hrs. of monitoring. While my fluid level was doing well, all other signs pointed to a miscarriage being imminent. And now we had the extra concern that if the placenta detached I could have severe internal bleeding. Chris and I settled in for a long night. Every few hours I was checked and every few hours we heard a strong heartbeat and that there was “no bleeding.”
We had enlisted the prayers of family and a few friends, yet we waited for what felt like the inevitable. Hope held the potential of too much hurt, yet the reality that my baby was still sweetly kicking and squirming inside was a reality we were reminded of every couple of hours. When we woke up early in the morning we had hit the 24hr marker since my water had broken. At noon, when Jenni arrived and things were still holding steady, she helped us understand the magnitude of what God had done.
Baby Victory was still with us. They had defied all odds and God had seen fit to work a miracle in our midst.
A miracle? Really? Do those happen anymore? My faith says YES, but my faith (and my heart) were wounded. No one could offer us any guarantees, but the simple fact that our child was still among the living placed our situation in a category that could not be defined in our finite understanding.
As I approached the 36hr. mark the doctor said I was free to leave, on strict bedrest, whenever I was ready. We asked for a follow up ultrasound before making any decisions.
This second ultrasound continued to confirm the greatness of our loving Father and the grace He chose to bestow on us. The official report reads, “there is no evidence of placental separation.” There was no more blood dispersed throughout. The clot had shrunk, and had migrated far from the placenta. My amniotic fluid level was well within the normal range, and we all sat in utter amazement of the Creator and sustainer of life!
As we came “home” to the family who has so graciously hosted us here in Thailand that Wednesday night, we were overwhelmed. Lincoln had been well taken care of by various friends while we’d been so unexpectedly tied up. We had so many people, the world over praying desperately for our hearts, and for the life of our little one. We had friends here who had sacrificed their sleep, and time to take care of us as we wrestled. And, above all, we’d come home still growing a precious life deep inside. God had worked a miracle, and displayed His glory among us.
Tomorrow morning marks a week since this part of our adventure started. We’ve had to adjust travel plans, adjust expectations for our time here, adjust roles as Chris is now taking care of both Lincoln and I while I’m confined to bed. We’ve adjusted our hearts as we’ve realized things about ourselves and our faith. We’ve celebrated the week leading up to Christmas in a tropical climate with a poinsettia plant by the bed. Tomorrow morning we’ll have a follow up ultrasound, and we’re praying that I’m cleared for travel so we can hop on a plane (or four) and make it home just in time for Christmas.
“Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
Oh, Jesus, you’re my God!
I will call upon Your name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine”
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
Oh, Jesus, you’re my God!
I will call upon Your name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine”
This Christmas we’re celebrating His miracles.
walkuponwater 
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